Saturday, September 29, 2012

Reality Bites - You Don't Say...

For a girl who was weaned on equal part written word and rabbit-eared screen, it seems these days I don't have much time for watching the tube. What little TV time I do manage to catch typically revolves around either the paranormal (as in L.I. housewife converses with the afterlife) or that never-ending loop of home fix-up programs - fitting since we are currently residing in a self-induced construction (DEstruction?) zone. (Dare I not tread upon those raging coals...) So it dawned on me, that what reality TV is lacking is a close-up dose of WRITER 101. Perhaps something day-in-the-life of an average aspiring novelist. I imagined phoning one of those big-shot TV execs to pitch my idea.

Big-Shot: "So what's this great new reality show idea you've cooked up. You've got two minutes to win me over. I have a 10 a.m. tee time."

Me: "Okay well, I was thinking the cameras could follow a writer around and record her daily goings on. Ya' know - like a Kardashian only with less hair. People could watch her as she labors at the keyboard in search of the perfect sentence, checks emails, posts periodic updates to Twitter, suffers rejections, courts the Muse."

B.S.: "Hmm. Can this writer also talk to dead people?"

Me: "No."

B.S. : "Is she a pudgy southern beauty queen with a crazy redneck family?"

Me: "Again, no."

B.S.: "Was she a former child-star tackling her adult-sized demons in rehab?"

Me: "Not quite."

B.S: "Is she a real housewife of any coast?"

Me: "Perhaps, but that's not really the point..."

B.S.: "(sigh) What about action? What have you got?"

Me: "There'll be lots of staring off into space."

B.S.: "That's not exactly edge of your seat stuff."

Me: "Head banging. Regular spewing of expletives. Jealous rants."

B.S.: "Well, that's better, but...I'm not convinced. Tell ya what. Fine tune your concept and then have your people call my people."

Me: "Wait, I - I don't have any people...!"

Click. Dial tone.

Okay, so we writers may not lead the most exciting lives, I grant you that. However, just think. Where would TV or the silver screen be without us? Seems to me it would simply be a bunch of actors running around speechless.

You don't say...

No comments:

Post a Comment